Are We Speaking the Same Language? How Feelings Get Lost in Translation Between Intercultural couples
You can discuss dinner, plan a holiday and talk for hours in your shared language. Then one of you says, “I don’t feel understood,” and the conversation becomes unexpectedly difficult.
“But I know what you mean.”
“That’s not what I’m asking for.”
Language barriers in intercultural relationships do not always look like an inability to communicate. Sometimes they appear in a phrase that sounds harsher than intended, a familiar word with different meanings, or an “I love you” that does not quite bring you closer.
Sharing a language does not necessarily mean sharing the same way of expressing, interpreting or feeling emotion. The words may be familiar while the expectations beneath them remain unspoken.
A shared language may not feel equally familiar to both partners
Two common arrangements can bring different experiences.
One partner speaks the other’s first language. Perhaps one of you grew up speaking English while the other learnt it later. You can both communicate, but finding a gentle phrase, recognising an implied meaning or expressing a complicated feeling may take different amounts of effort.
Both partners use a second or third language. A Mandarin speaker and a French speaker, for example, might build their relationship in English. This can become a space of shared discovery. It may also leave some feelings without an immediately satisfying expression.
Either arrangement can support a deeply connected relationship. Neither guarantees equal fluency, ease or familiarity with emotional language.
Dewaele and Salomidou’s 2017 study used an online questionnaire and written interviews with 429 participants who had experience of intercultural romantic relationships. Roughly a third reported no difficulty communicating emotions, while around half described limitations in the additional language or reduced emotional resonance. These retrospective accounts show considerable variation; they do not establish a pattern that every intercultural couple will follow.[1]
Why can a second language sound harsher than intended?
Imagine a fictional situation. One partner wants to say, “I feel overwhelmed. Could you give me a moment?” Under pressure, the sentence comes out as:
“Stop asking me.”
Their partner hears rejection: “Leave me alone.” or “You’re annoying.“
The speaker feels they are asking for breathing room. The listener feels pushed away. If the response focuses on correcting their tone, the speaker may feel even more frustrated: “I’m trying so hard to explain myself, and all you hear is how badly I’m saying it.”
Someone’s wording in a second language may not fully convey their intention. They might be struggling to find a softer expression or to communicate a feeling they can barely name.
This is a possibility to explore together, rather than an explanation to assume. Language difficulties deserve understanding, and the hurt caused by a phrase still deserves care. A useful response might be: “That sounded as though you wanted to push me away. Were you asking for a pause, or did you mean something else?”
“Understand me” can contain different requests
Misunderstandings can also hide inside words both partners know well.
Consider another fictional example. One partner repeatedly says, “I want you to understand me.” The other listens, summarises what happened and explains that they do understand. Yet their partner still feels alone.
For one person, understanding means grasping the information and recognising why something happened. For the other, the request is closer to: “Can you sense why this is so painful for me?” One explains more. The other works harder to demonstrate understanding. Both are trying, but their efforts keep missing each other.
Imagine they eventually choose “empathize me” as a private cue for: “Notice me in this experience. Try to sense what it is like from where I am.”
This is not a more correct English phrase. “Understand” can already express empathy, and partners who share a first language can encounter the same mismatch. What matters is that these two people have found wording that helps them recognise a particular need.
Sometimes a couple needs to ask: when I use this word, what am I hoping you will respond to?
When “I love you” does not quite reach the feeling
For some people, “I love you” in an additional language is easy to say but carries less immediate emotional weight than particular words in their first language. Others experience greater freedom: another language makes affection easier to express.
Pavlenko’s 2012 review found that some bilingual speakers, particularly people who learnt another language later, may respond differently to emotional material across their languages. This offers one way to understand the experience of knowing what words mean without feeling their full emotional force. It is not a universal rule.[2]
Other findings complicate the picture. In a word-recognition experiment, Ponari and colleagues (2015) found similar processing advantages for emotional words in highly proficient non-native English speakers and native speakers. A laboratory task, however, cannot tell us directly how connected partners feel during an intimate conversation.[3]
Speaking an additional language therefore does not make affection less sincere. The more useful questions may be: What am I feeling when I say this? What do you receive when you hear it? Does it feel comforting, intimate, habitual or difficult to take in?
The emotional weight of a phrase can also change. Reassurance, reconciliation and ordinary moments together can give familiar words a meaning particular to your relationship. Participants in Dewaele and Salomidou’s study also described an additional language becoming more emotionally meaningful as their relationships developed.[1]
Moving from translating words to checking meaning
You do not need to analyse every sentence. When a familiar misunderstanding returns, try choosing one question that helps you slow down:
“What did you hear me saying? I want to check whether that matches what I meant.”
“When you ask me to understand you, what kind of response are you hoping for?”
“What does this phrase usually feel like in your first language?”
Sometimes it helps to write something down, change languages or use an image or metaphor. When both partners are comfortable, a look, a movement closer or an agreed hug may support feelings that are difficult to put into words.
In Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), one possible starting point is to slow down the moment of misunderstanding: What was one partner trying to communicate? What did the other hear? How did each respond to protect themselves, and what happened to their connection? This is a clinical application; the language studies discussed here did not directly test these EFT interventions.
Your shared language can continue to develop. Asking “What were you hoping I would understand?” can make room for meanings that have not yet found their way between you.
Part 2 will explore how repeated misunderstandings can become connected to power, the work of adapting, and the question: “Are you willing to enter my world?”
Frequently asked questions
Why can we communicate well day to day but misunderstand each other emotionally?
Practical conversations often provide concrete details to check. Emotional conversations depend more on tone, subtle meanings and personal associations. Everyday fluency does not guarantee a shared emotional vocabulary.
Is it always better to discuss feelings in your first language?
No. Some people feel closer to their emotions in their first language; others find another language easier to speak openly in. Explore what helps both partners express themselves and remain included.
Is “I love you” less genuine in a second language?
Not necessarily. Emotional resonance varies between people and can change through shared experience. It can help to ask what the phrase means to each of you.
References
[1] Dewaele, J.-M., & Salomidou, L. (2017). Loving a partner in a Foreign Language. Journal of Pragmatics, 108, 116–130.
Publisher record: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216616302946
Author-uploaded manuscript: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/312488605_Loving_a_partner_in_a_Foreign_Language[2] Pavlenko, A. (2012). Affective processing in bilingual speakers: Disembodied cognition? International Journal of Psychology, 47(6), 405–428.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00207594.2012.743665[3] Ponari, M., Rodríguez-Cuadrado, S., Vinson, D., Fox, N., Costa, A., & Vigliocco, G. (2015). Processing advantage for emotional words in bilingual speakers. Emotion, 15(5), 644–652.
https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000061